We’re about to get super real for a minute.
I know, my blog has been pretty inactive. I know, I’ve barely been tweeting. I know, I’m not working on my marketing front nearly as hard as I should. But here’s the thing. I’m scared. Terrified, even. I’m terrified of finishing a novel. How many times have you heard me announce on twitter or on this blog that I’d finished a first draft, or that I was still revising? I’ve never one hundred percent completed a story, because I’m scared. What if it’s not good enough? What if I’ll just have to continue changing it forever and ever?
Then there’s this blog thing. I’m pretty bad at managing my time and I can tell you without question that for the last two months I’ve been barely able to write anything, let alone come onto the blog and pretend I know what I’m talking about when it comes to writing. I’ve had a hard year, I’ve had illnesses, I’ve lost friends, and it’s all taking a toll. All I want to do is curl up in a corner and draw, or read, but basically I’m just scared. I’m scared of putting myself out there, I’m scared of becoming a real author, I’m scared of debuting, I’m scared of finishing something that I might look back on in five years and go ‘wow, that’s shit, why did I publish that?’. I’m scared. I’m so scared.
So for now, I am officially not working on anything that is going to be my debut. Yes, I have been working on my own projects, yes I still want to publish, but every time I announce that I’ve got something in the making on my blog, I always wind up never finishing it, and people get confused. So I’ve made the decision that this is the blog of me, Jessie Grace, the teenage writer who would someday like to be published. But I don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to writing. To be honest, I thought that this whole marketing thing would be the easiest part of everything. Make a blog, post tips on writing, and meet lots of other writers, and build a base of followers who maybe- just maybe- will buy my book/short story/novella when it comes out. But what if that’s not enough? What if everyone reads my book and hates it? What if I publish and no one reads it? What then? I am more than aware that my worth as a writer has nothing to do with my selling statistics, or how many followers I have, or anything like that. All that matters is my love of writing, of creating. But I want to create something that other people will like and enjoy as much as I do. You know what’s discouraging? Never selling any of your books. You know what’s discouraging? One star reviews on goodreads.
So yeah. I’m scared. I think I just voiced all of my anxieties into one little blog post, and this should probably never exist on the internet, but if any other authors/writers can relate to this, then please comment below. I get the feeling we’d get along. I’m sorry this doesn’t have a point to it, I’m sorry I don’t post nearly as often as I should, and I’m sorry I’m so unprofessional, but I’m seventeen and I don’t know shit. I’m trying to schedule my writing, but for some reason I’m always too tired to do the actual work that this kind of thing requires. You know. Finishing. A novel.
Wish me luck. If you want to take me by surprise and express that you actually enjoyed my stupid rant, leave a like or comment. I’ve got a subscribe button if you want to join the Jessie Grace blog family (look at me pretending I have followers.)